Friday, December 24, 2010
Rudolph's Night Off
Rudolph's Night Off by Baxter Black 'Twas the night before Christmas and Rudolph was lame. The vet from the North Pole said, "Hoof rot's to blame. I'll give him some sulfa. It's the best I can do, but stall rest is needed the next week or two". "Great Scott", cried old Santy. He turned with a jerk. "I won't get outta here if my headlights don't work. On Interstate 40 I'll surely get fined, and lost in Montana if I'm flyin' blind. No cop in his right mind would give any clout to a geezer who claimed that his reindeer went out." He gathered the others, Old Donner & Blitzen. Were there any among 'em whose nose was transmittzen? They grunted and strained and sure made a mess, but no noses glowed brightly or ears luminesed. "It's bad luck in bunches", cried Santy distressed, "but we'll fly Continental, the Red Eye express. I'll look at the schedule". He put on his glasses. When up walked Old Billy, the goat from Lampasses. He shivered and shook like a mouse on the Ark, but his horns were a beacon, they glowed in the dark. Santy went crazy. He asked, "Why?" with a smile. "I just ate a watch with a radium dial. Where I come from in Texas we don't have thick hide. My skin is so thin it shines thru from inside". "If that's true then let's feed him', cried Santy with glee. "Gather everything burning and bring it to me. So Billy ate flash bulbs & solar collectors, electrical eels & roadside reflectors, firecrackers, sparklers, a Lady Shick Shaver and life savers, all of 'em wintergreen flavor, and jelly from phosphorescelous fish, a dayglow pizza and a glittering dish, fireflies and candles and stuff that ignites, then had him a big bowl of northering lights. He danced on the rug and petted the cat, then after he'd fainished and done all of that, to store up the static electricity better they forced him to eat 2 balloons and a sweater. When he opened his mouth light fell on the floor like the fridge light comes on when you open the door. His Halloween smile couldn't be better drawn, when he burped accidentally his high beams kicked on. "Hitch him up", cried Old Santy and they went on their way. I remember that Christmas to this very day. The sky was ablaze with the stars shining bright. They were shooting and falling all thru the night. And I realize now, (tho my fingers are crossed), what I really was seein' was Old Billy's exhaust.